Baby change stations

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It’s official. I’m a daddy now. FJ. Born March 3rd. It’s been busy and I’ve been away from TAOP a lot. But after 3 weeks of baby poops it’s apparent I will now have twice as much to blab about. So let’s start off with the basics of a home change station (I’m not ready to start in on the public ones or lack thereof just yet).

Long ago I earned the nickname Dr. Boyscout, likely because of my insane preparation for one or two night trips. Direct your attention back to the main picture. You will notice the general change area looks stocked and functional, unlike the garbage you’ll see in an IKEA catalogue.

At the bottom left corner is an UBBI diaper pail. My wife and I mocked everyone and their Diaper Genies before we had FJ. We were convinced we would take all the diapers to the side soon down the hall and toss them in a bin on the deck. Then I saw this cool looking orange metal one second hand and snagged it without talking to her like I sometimes do. I didn’t hear the end of it until we actually started using it. Now we both admit we were dumb and it’s the only way to go. (for a full review of diaper pails click here). It appears my UBBI ranked the lowest possible 1/5 stars, which is pretty much a zero because you normally can’t pick zero. To deal with its apparent odor problems I just took of the wifeys breast pads and doused them in lemon and vanilla essential oils and dropped them in the bottom. I’d give it 3 stars now, but it’s also got some weird tabs that keep ripping the garbage bags when I pull them out which is PFA!

Now glance to the upper left. You will see a small fire extinguisher. That just happened to be there already. It’s nothing to do with poop but it’s amazing how many people don’t have them handy around the house… Safety people.

Now we go top and Center. My awesome sister made us this shelf via special request. Contact me if you want one too. (I’m pretty sure it cost her $15 in materials and about 2 hrs time so It’ll only cost you about $139.99 after pure profit). Within reach is hand sanitizer. I’ve never been a fan of it but to keep germs off your newborns privates and clean poo germs off your hands it’s a must. Then there’s a plethora of options for diaper rash and skin lotion. The hooks should later function to hang some toys or suckies.

Bottom right is the dresser itself. It’s stocked with diapers and wipes and frequently restocked. Last summer I scratched up the top a while bunch but now it’s covered by the change mat! As per law or something it came with safety straps but my wife cut them off because they’re a PITA (not the bread) to use. Also we don’t do things like leave out child unattended on a countertop so the risk of a falling baby is approaching zero. The mat has a nice easy clean vinyl finish and sticky mat underneath. The drop cloth on top is changed regularly.

Bottom right (not in the picture) is a clothes hamper for when we get tired of seeing him in the same onesie for two days or he has a blow out and gets shit on it, whichever happens first.

And that about covers it. Feng shui for your baby. It’s 8:45pm so… Bedtime.

SuperBOWL PXXP

In case you were wondering, I wanted to write “POOP” in Roman Numerals but there is no number “zero” so it turned out a bit akward. That’s fine because I still get to talk about American football being one big shit show of shit. To prove my point we can look no further than the touchdown celebration of Doug Baldwin after Seattle Seahawks took a 24-14 lead right before half time. In case you didn’t see it because NBC cut away:

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Shittens

Shittens

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this is almost the greatest invention ever. If it’s made with the same stuff as a mattress cover it virtually insures you will never get a poop finger and it completely solves the fold vs. scrunch debate. But there is one major flaw – each individual Shitten is only good for a single wipe. If you’re brave you could flip it over, but that’s not a chance I’m willing to take. I’m also assuming these things cost about 1000x more than regular TP. Still…

The mystery of the urinal deuce

So I go into the washroom the other day and somebody went number two in the urinal!

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It must have happened just like in one of my favorite South Park Episodes – S10 E09 – Mystery of the Urinal Deuce.

http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/155276/dookie-in-the-urinal

mmm, I think I’m getting a clue… I’m totally getting a clue right now…

A Close call in the pooping stall (short story)

So there I am. Me and a colleague, standing at the bathroom sink. I was hoping to duck into a stall undetected (so I can take my time and not be embarrassed) but he spotted me on the way in so I make small talk and pretend to keep scrubbing the back of my hand like it really dirty. I can definitely fake wash hands longer than anyone. The bathroom will be mine soon enough.

Down from the sink and opposite the seemingly endless row of urinals is a half dozen regular stalls, with one handicapped stall in the very corner. I head towards it, planning to occupy maybe 2nd or 3rd from the end and knowing damn well that I’d rather be able to keep my feet on the ground than have to sit up on the gigantic toilets designed for basketball players and people in wheelchairs.

The regular stalls are simple, elegant, efficient – like a back country tent. Using the over sized stall makes me feel like I’m stuck in a prison cell, or in the 4th world of Mario 3 or in that crappy movie with Jennifer Lopez.

I’m pretty anxious by this point. I haven’t had to fake hand wash that good for a while. I speed walk down the row and duck into a stall. Like I was taught as a child my eyes immediately check for left overs and seat splash. The seat is down and clean the toilet is filled with sparkling clear water. almost too clear. But its early in the morning, so I’m probably the first person to use it today.

I’m feeling good about this so I decide go bareback on the seat. I fake right and I do my standard 180 into the stall (rotating my body to the left). I close the latch. Belt off, unbutton, unzipper, drop trow. My legs are bent at 110 at the knees, I’m an inch from touchdown  – and then I freeze. There’s a pair of shoes beside me. How did I miss this? All my training… I’m supposed to be the best at bathroom etiquette…

Time for a split second decision. It’s all instinct. I double check the shoes. They say you can tell a lot about a man by his shoes. His shoes are nice black loafers. Real leather. Nicely polished. Not too shiny, well worn but good quality. His shoes are saying that this guy either knows people, or acts like he knows people. Either way, I know people too and I don’t want people who know people to know that I just tried to do my business next to this guy.

So I take a deep breath and I pull everything back up. I abort the touchdown. I reach for the toilet paper. I purposely scramble a up bunch. I sniffle a little bit. I think I can play it off like I really needed to blow my nose, and just accidentally happened to be adjusting my pants and dropped them in the process.

I exit the stall, defeated.

I stand outside the washroom. Surrounded by people, but alone inside. I reflect on what just happened and it hits me: this guy had no “cover cough”, no “warning sniffle”, no “throat clear, coast isn’t”. He hasn’t given one little bo peep since I walked in and started my hand washing. Its like he had been silent because he wanted someone to come and shit beside him.

I won’t stand for this so I go back in. I whistle a tune and limp a bit, just so he can’t recognize me. I look around but the bathroom looks empty. I scan the line of stalls and all the doors are slightly opened. No feet to be seen…

FLUSH!

Wtf? A phantom? I dive into the first stall (the one nearest the sinks). I’ve barely got my door closed as I hear him walk by. I definitely don’t want to get spotted at this point. What if this guy goes ape shit because I know he was doing his business without closing his stall door?

I feel like Froto in LOTR when he’s trying not to be spotted. I hop up onto the seat but Its loose, and my knee almost drops in. My cell phones hanging half way out of my pocket at this point. (so this is how people drop them in the toilet). I barely get my balance when door closes behind him.

Finally I am alone. I do my business Mission compete. Life isn’t about the finish line, it’s about the journey. This was quite the journey.